Sometimes, I feel sympathy to myself when I remember how I
let myself heartbroken and how I can ever alive from there.
The first day is the worst. I cried the whole day.
7/12/2012. My tears never stop on that day.
The night he told me that, I can’t really fall asleep until
alarm rang, until the moment I was really awake, really clear of everything,
really had to face the world, I was afraid. I wanted to escape but no way I can
do that. The moment I opened my eye, the strongest mind came into was: I want
to die. It was not due to I lost my love but I did not know how to face the
world, I don’t like people sympathy me. I hate that! Feel like being a loser,
loser from the love war. I don’t want my family to worry about me. I just wanted
them to know I was fine although I was really not! That is why; I wanted to
die, away from all those compassions, worries toward me.
I was just down and emotional. And I started my day like
usual, and then attend school by bus. In the bus, I was listening to song. With
the companion of the rhythm and music, the feeling was finally released. I
cried non-stop. During class, I was crying but yet still listening to the
lecturing. I even answered lecturer’s question with the tears in my eyes.
Then my friend tried to console me, they sat beside me, I
told everything hardly because I was crying too hard. A word, an action, a memory could easily made my feeling jumping out
again.
Afternoon, I was in the same situation trying to sleep, but
it failed for sure. I cried until I can feel my tears gonna dried up. That
moment, I was lucky to have tears. I know how it feels when you have no tears
to cry later about 1 month. At least, your tears contain your feeling, it was
released out, but with no tears, no way to express, by there you will know what
the lyric of the song called ‘I learned to live half alive’ means.
Night, I talked to my close friend. I brought along my small
tower because I know a bag of tissue paper will not be enough for me. My eye
swallowed and dried. I can feel like I have no more tears but still there are.
**The part hurt the most is not about leaving the one you
love, but the life you have to face in the following days. You have to face
them alone, trying to console back family members telling them you are okay,
showing them you are okay but in fact you just wanna cry. It’s already hard to
face it, the worst is, and the memories of both of you keep popping out from
time to time.
I don’t really know how can I pass through that stage. I
agree the say that saying Cancer takes a lifetime to forget a person. Perhaps,
it’s true. The only different between ‘that time’, ‘now’ and ‘then’ is, that
time, I wanted to be with him again. Now, I know he doesn’t worth it, I won’t
be sticking around anymore. Then, he is just a person I used to love, I used to
know, who used to teach me what love is.
